– Oxford.
– No possible way.
– I wonder why?
– You're not ready for such a test.
– A test? Mum, it's time I had a real life! I want to learn, I want to improve, I want to see the world, after all! You can't keep me in these four walls forever!
– By the way, I didn't go to university until I was two hundred and sixty-five.
– Those were the dark ages of patriarchy. Don't compare those times with today!
– Misha, we've talked about this many times, and I still stand by my opinion: you're not going to Oxford.
– All right, well, where do you suggest I go?
– If you're so keen to study, well… Go to Prague. Charles University is as good as Oxford.
– Prague? Close to Mariszka?
– Yes. I'll feel safe with her looking after you.
I rolled my eyes, full of awkward mockery at my mum's words, and also of disappointment and resentment at her distrust of me and my personal qualities.
«I'll feel comfortable with her looking after you» those words were so ridiculous and ridiculous! And so hurtful.
– Mum! – I just couldn't find the words to shake my mother's insistence.
She was sitting in front of me: beautiful, young, with her thin lips firmly pressed together.
– Honestly, sweetheart, I don't know where you got this obsession with going to Oxford and nowhere else» Mum said, squinting at me.
I rolled my eyes again: ever since I'd willingly taken on the role of spoilt girl, the act had stuck with me, and I could hardly contain myself when I was alone and didn't have to play along.
So, how do I explain my choice to my mum?
Ever since Markus's brother, my brother-in-law, had advised me to «Oxford, for a start» I couldn't shake the urge to study there.
Why did Cedric Morgan's words have such an effect on me? I did not know the answer to that question, but it seemed to me that his words had a magical effect on my outlook, for he was the strange, unsociable, loveless man who had said them. It was suffering – he said it himself, and from then on I saw love only in a black light and full of suffering. His speeches frightened me: I didn't want to suffer as much as he did. To suffer at all. I considered myself too sensitive to stand firm against the suffering that is part and parcel of love. But I did not want … I did not want it with all my soul!
This Cedric struck me to the core: serious, sullen, silent. And at the same time, his personality fascinated me because he lives the life he wants to live – him, not his loved ones or his parents. And his love for some girl… Such a contrast stunned me: his serious austere nature turned out to be dependent on love.
I'd only been back in Prague a week, but I'd already buzzed my mum's ears about Oxford. She didn't stay on the hunt for fun after Mariszka's wedding either and came back to Warsaw with me.
«Oxford. Only Oxford! Cedric can't be wrong!» – I thought stubbornly.
– Do you think I can't have my own opinion? – I asked unhappily, wanting to deceive my mum.
– Of course you can, but not at your age» she said calmly.
– Well, that's too much! – I was overcome with a strong irritation.
«No, it's ridiculous! Do I have to listen to my parents for the rest of my life?» – I thought irritably.
– Don't be so hot. Think about Prague, maybe you'll like it there.
– No, I wouldn't! I want to go to Oxford! That's it! – I rose abruptly from my chair and walked out of the dining room, where we were eating glasses of blood. I was overcome with rage.
My opinion doesn't count! How could it not! I am being disadvantaged even in such elementary things!
Going into my room and to spite my mother who couldn't stand the music I was listening to, I turned on my favourite indie rock, cranking up the volume on my music centre and speakers for I knew that no matter how hard my mum tried, she couldn't help but hear it, and that thought cooled my resentment a little. Sure, this little revenge was just a childish act, but I didn't care about that.
