Английские анекдоты и шутки
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, «Does your dog bite?»
The shopkeeper says, «No, my dog does not bite.»
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
«Ouch![1]» he says, «But you say your dog does not bite!»
The shopkeeper replies, «That is not my dog.»
* * *
A gloomy colonel was taking a walk in a park. He saw a lieutenant of his regiment in civilian clothes with a young lady. The lieutenant noticed the colonel from a distance, and hid himself behind a tree.
The next day the colonel asked:
«Why did I see you yesterday evening in the park in civilian clothes?»
«Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir,» answered the lieutenant.
* * *
A man went into a pet shop one day. «I want to buy a parrot that talks,» he said.
«I’m sorry sir, but you have to teach[2] your parrot to speak.»
So he chose a parrot and took it home with him. Two weeks later he returned to the pet shop.
«My parrot still doesn’t speak,» he said.
«Ah, that’s a shame. Buy this mirror. He’ll look at himself, and talk.»
The man bought the mirror and went away. Two weeks later he returned again.
«My parrot is dead,» he said.
«I’m sorry, sir – but tell me, before he died, did he say anything?»
«Yes he did. But only one word.»
«Really? Which word was that?»
«Foood!»
* * *
Student: Brain is like Bermuda triangle[3] – information goes in and then it is never found again.
* * *
– Why did you leave your last job?
– The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.
* * *
Once a young man went shopping and bought himself a pair of trousers. When he got home, he went to his bedroom and tried them on.[4] He found they were far too long. He went downstairs where his mother and his two sisters were waiting for dinner. «The new trousers are too long,» he said. «They need shortening.[5] Can you do it for me, please?»
The dinner was over and his mother shortened the trousers. But she did not mention about it to her daughters.
Then the elder sister remembered her brother’s request. She was a kind person and wanted to help her brother, so she considerably shortened the trousers.
When the younger sister returned home from the cinema, she suddenly remembered what her brother asked them. So she hurried upstairs and cut a piece off[6] each leg of the new trousers.
* * *
Teacher: I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense.
Student: You will go to jail.
* * *
An energetic American tourist came to visit the Warwick Castle[7] in England. When the doorkeeper appeared, the American was studying his guide-book.
«Tell me,» the American said to the caretaker, «is that famous vase still here?» (shows its photo in the guide-book).
«Yes, sir,» was the reply.
«And the table that costs 10,000 dollars?»
«Yes, sir.»
«And do you still have that portrait of Charles I?[8]»
«Oh yes, sir,» said the doorkeeper, «they are all here. Will you come in and see them?»
«No, I won’t, I have no time to lose,» replied the visitor. «As they are here right now and I saw them in my guide-book I can continue to visit other castles and museums. Good-bye.» And he hurried away.[9]
* * *
A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted[10]». The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».
* * *
Men go shopping[11] to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out[12] what they want.
* * *
– Hi, Mary! How was your school today? – You can read all about it on my Facebook, dad!
* * *
Wife: Yesterday night I saw a dream that you were sending me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yeah, and I saw a dream that your dad was paying the bill.
