CHAPTER ONE
Adaptation of the novel "12 Chairs" by Ilf and Petrov. Russia, Chelyabinsk. Today.
Casino panorama. Holy Father Fyodor(45) is sitting at the card table in his cassock, with his sleeves rolled up to the elbows, and he is losing a large sum. The dealer DEALER continues the game.
DEALER
Your card is beat, Holy Father. Do we continue playing?
HOLY FATHER FYODOR
Yes. I'm betting on the cross. May God forgive me.
Holy Father Fyodor takes a gilded cross from his neck and puts it on the table. DEALER looks at the manager standing next to him. The manager nods his head vertically. DEALER begins to deal the cards. Holy Father Fyodor picks them up, looks at them with a frightened expression, and opens them. DEALER slowly takes one card from the deck and places it face up on top of the pop's cards.
DEALER
Your card is beaten again, Father Nshan.
DEALER takes the cross from the table and puts it in the drawer under the table.
DEALER (continuing)
Do we continue playing?
The priest takes off his church hat and wipes his face with it.
HOLY FATHER FYODOR
Yes. On credit.
DEALER
What as collateral?
HOLY FATHER FYODOR
My soul.
DEALER smirks displeased.
HOLY FATHER FYODOR (continuing)
Then a kidney. I'll sell it for an organ. I have a client. The rector.
DEALER shrugs his shoulders and looks at the manager in surprise. The manager waves his hand and goes to inspect the gambling hall. DEALER deals the cards. Pop loses again.
DEALER
Your card is beat again. When can you pay off your gambling debt?
HOLY FATHER FYODOR
(crying)
I've already lost everything, even the church land. God help me. Give me a sign, Father.
KITTYBOY works in an indoor market and sells bee honey, all the colors of the rainbow. Above his table is the sign: "Flower Honey". Woman approaches and looks at the colorful jars of honey. She takes a jar of blue honey.
KITTYBOY does not know, but he is the biological grandson of Ippolit Matveevich Vorobyaninov.
WOMAN
Is this honey?
KITTYBOY
Yes.
WOMAN
Why is it blue?
KITTYBOY
It's chicory honey. Its petals are blue.
WOMAN
And the yellow one is dandelion honey?
KITTYBOY
Yes, the color of the flowers determines the color of the honey. I have Australian bees.
GRANDMOTHER
He's lying. He's melting it in Vinokur's sugar-and-dog-fat-filled doghouse. And then he's painting it with Easter dye.
KITTYBOY
Get out of here, you old hag. Where did you come from?
WOMAN
No, I won't take it.
KITTYBOY
It's a pity, but this black man treats impotence and cancer.
Woman leaves, and so does the grandmother.
We see the conductor opens the door and descends from the car to the platform. ISAAC (56) leaves the car on the platform of the station.
ISAAC – grandson of Ostap-Suleiman-Berta-Maria-Bender-bey
ISAAC descends and shifts from foot to foot. Not far away, young girls with expensive cars near the casino. Passing by, towards the station, visitors. A kid (13) runs up to him.
KID
Uncle, give me 100 rubles, will you? Uncle, give me 100 rubles, I'm telling you!
ISAAC
Go steal, I don't have any money.
KID
Give me a cigarette, uncle!
ISAAC
Maybe I should pour you a shot?
KID
Then buy an iPhone?!
ISAAC takes the iPhone from the boy's hands and examines it.
ISAAC
Who did you take it from?
BOY
Do you really care? Do you want it or give it back?
ISAAC
I'll take it.
ISAAC puts the iPhone in his pocket and goes to the girls. The boy grabs ISAAC by the sleeve.
BOY
(whining)
Give me the iPhone, or give me a thousand dollars!
ISAAC
Maybe I should give you the key to the apartment where the dollars are? Let go.
BOY
(crying)
Give it to me…
ISAAC
I'll give you two in the evening. Now get lost and don't bother me while I'm still alive.
BOY
Are you telling the truth? Tell me your name.
