CHAPTER 1
Adaptation of the novel "The Golden Calf" by Ilf and Petrov.
In Kandeyka, MATFYEY (Kitty), Pop Fedor, HACKER, and CARETAKER Tikhon are sitting at the table, drinking. ISAAC enters. Everyone turns and freezes in anticipation, with blank faces..
ISAAC
What's up, homeless guys, missed me?
MATFYEY
I did not.
ISAAC
Well, you clearly did. Vex bewitched us with his mother-in-law. And she just screwed us over, in your face.
CARETAKER
And I'm glad! Now, at least I won't have to listen to your whining. ISAAC is in charge again and will come up with something. Right?
ISAAC
How to say?!
CARETAKER
Otherwise, why did you come to me?
ISAAC
Rightly said, Tikhon. To you, and not to these noobs who settled here for free, like orphans in a shelter. Why are they even hanging out here? Is this some kind of club for anonymous losers? Do they even pay you for accommodation?
CARETAKER
No, they even eat at my expense for now. Well, except for HACKER. He at least helps sweep the yards in the morning.
MATFYEY
Tikhon, we had an agreement that as soon as I get back on my feet, I'll give you everything?
ISAAC
And what did the priest promise you, a ticket to Heaven?
PRIEST FEDOR
Do not blaspheme, Satan!
ISAAC
Whose cow is mooing now? Have you redeemed your cross, holy man? Take an example from HACKER. He keeps silent and seems smarter.
CARETAKER
ISAAC, forgive me, but HACKER is mine.
ISAAC
Of course, Tikhon. What are you talking about? You owe, not your vassal.
ISAAC walks up to the table like a boss, pushes Pop Fedor off the chair, and sits down. He props his feet up on the corner of the table, like an American.
ISAAC (CONTINUED)
Well, gentlemen comrades, do you want to make some easy money? Then listen and don't interrupt. Tikhon and I will be in charge.
MATFYEY
And what does he have to do with it?
PRIEST FEDOR
I'll pass. But I'll listen out of curiosity. Maybe I'll even agree.
ISAAC
Sure, please. There are no secrets in anything.
At the table in the Kandeyka, there are MATFYEY, also known as Kitty, the caretaker Tikhon himself, his servant HACKER, and of course, ISAAC. ISAAC is sitting in the most prominent seat, with his feet resting on the corner of the table next to a bottle of alcohol.
ISAAC
In our city, a new insurance company 'Albatross' has opened. And guess who the owner is?
ISAAC takes out a newspaper from his pocket and shows an advertisement. CARETAKER Tikhon takes out his iPhone and dials a number.
ISAAC (CONTINUED)
Oh, an iPhone? Tikhon, where did you get it from?
CARETAKER
And this is Ale… GIRL, is this the Albatross company?.. I saw your advertisement. Do you provide insurance for accidents?.. I work at a construction site.
GIRL
(on the screen)
Yes. But the initial payment is 2000 rubles, and in case of death, relatives can receive 1,000,000 rubles. And if someone falls ill, they will receive sick leave and financial compensation.
ISAAC
(to CARETAKER)
Ask them what they will provide for a fracture?
CARETAKER
And in case of a fracture, considering that I work at a construction site?!
GIRL
За перелом разной тяжести можно получить от 5000 до 500000 рублей.
CARETAKER
Wow. Without further ado, let's insure HACKER and 'accidentally' break his pinkie finger first. Especially since he's currently working at the construction site instead of me.
ISAAC
HACKER knows how to build?
CARETAKER
No, he's a programmer. He simply helps me clean up the construction site from construction debris. The owner is Bruns, he's good at bribing.
HACKER
(frightened)
But I'm against it.
MATFYEY
What for?
HACKER
I don't want anyone to break anything for me.
CARETAKER
Who is asking you?! Don't forget about the eternal debt?
AND Caretaker Tikhon lunges at HACKER with his fists.
