CHAPTER 1
Adaptation of the novel by Ilf and Petrov \"The Twelve Chairs\". Russia, Chelyabinsk. Present da.
Panorama of the casino. At the card table sits PRIEST FEDOR in a vest, with rolled-up sleeves up to his elbows, losing a large sum.
DEALER
Your card is beaten, Holy Father. Let's continue playing?
PRIEST FEDOR
Yes. I'll place a cross. May the Lord forgive me.
Priest FEDOR takes off a bulky gold-plated cross from his neck and places it on the table. The DEALER looks at the manager standing nearby. He nods vertically with his head. The DEALER starts dealing the cards. PRIEST FEDOR picks them up, looks at them with a frightened expression, and reveals the cards. The DEALER slowly takes one card at a time from the deck and places them face up on the priest's cards.
DEALER
Your card is beaten again, Father Fedor.
The DEALER takes the cross from the table and puts it under the table in a sliding drawer.
DEALER (continuing.)
Let's continue playing?
The priest takes off his church hat and wipes his face with it to remove the sweat.
PRIEST FEDOR
Yes. On credit.
DEALER
What as collateral?
PRIEST FEDOR
My soul.
The DEALER grins dissatisfiedly.
PRIEST FEDOR (continuing.)
Then a kidney. I'll sell it in the black market. There's a buyer. A monastery abbot.
The DEALER shrugs and looks surprised at the manager. The manager waves his hand and walks around the gaming hall. The DEALER deals the cards. The priest loses again.
DEALER
Your card is beaten again. When can you settle your card debt?
PRIEST FEDOR
(crying)
I've lost everything, even the church land. Lord, help me. Give me a sign, Father.
MATFYEY (20) works at the indoor market and sells bee honey of all colors of the rainbow. Above his stall is a sign: 'Flower Honey.' WOMAN approaches and looks at the jars of honey in various colors. She takes a jar of blue honey.
MATFYEY is the grandson of Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov.
WOMAN
This is honey?
MATFYEY
Yes.
WOMAN
And why is it kind of blue?
MATFYEY
This is chicory honey. It has blue petals.
WOMAN
And the yellow one is dandelion honey?
MATFYEY
Yes, the color of the honey corresponds to the flowers. I have bees of Australian breed.
GRANDMOTHER
He's lying about everything. He melts it from sugar and dog fat in the booth of the janitor Tikhon. Then he colors it with Easter paint.
MATFYEY
Go away, old hag. Where did you come from?
WOMAN
No, I'm not taking it.
MATFYEY
But too bad, this black one cures potency and cancer.
WOMAN leaves, followed by GRANDMOTHER, who disappears.
We see the conductor opening the door and stepping off the train onto the platform. ISAAC (20) exits the train onto the platform of the station without any bags, hands in his pockets.
ISAAC is the grandson of Ostap-Suleyman-Berta-Maria-Bender-bey
ISAAC descends and shifts his weight from one leg to the other. Nearby stand young girls with expensive cars near the casino. Passersby walk towards the station. A BOY (13) runs up to him.
A BOY
Hey, mister, give me 10 rubles, huh? Mister, give me 10 rubles, I'm telling you?!
ISAAC
Go steal, I don't have any money.
A BOY
Give me a cigarette, mister?!
ISAAC
Maybe you want a hundred grams poured as well?
A BOY
Then buy me an iPhone?!
ISAAC takes the iPhone from A BOY's hands and examines it.
ISAAC
Who did he snatch it from?
A BOY
Doesn't it matter to you? Take it or give it back?!
ISAAC
Taking.
ISAAC puts the iPhone in his pocket and walks towards the girls. A BOY grabs ISAAC by the sleeve.
A BOY
(Crying)
Give me the iPhone back, come on. Or give me a thousand?!
ISAAC
Maybe I should give you the key to the apartment where the cash is kept? Back off.
A BOY
(Crying)
Give it back …
ISAAC
I'll give you two in the evening. But for now, bug off and don't interfere while we talk.
